im gonna try talking a bit about some recent stuff, i usually don't do it a lot, definitely not just like this to the public, there's very few people i actually talk to about myself or my issues or whatever. kinda just wanna try venting out a bit. i dont really care who will see this or how they will see this, if im dumb or cringe or whatever the fuck.

so, i mean some context. i kind of have a bunch of issues with focus, i just kind of have a lot of difficulty with staying on task, i usually get distracted by something else, forget what i was thinking of doing first completely. i can make to do lists, i can make schedules, i can use those apps that turn doing tasks into objectives in a little game format, i can try getting hyped up about finally having more structure, nothing helps. and it's so fucking depressing. sometimes i feel i can get nothing done. what's more fucked up is that i can even forget about those bad thoughts while fixating on some new topic or project or whatever and its this messed up loop of do. something, dont finish it, look back and feel bad for not finishing it, do something else and so on and so on. like i genuinely feel like i cant function correctly sometimes. like im shit at being a human fucking being. and i blame myself for it, because at the end of the day it is my fault i fucked up at school, that i barely do anything productive.

a while ago though, a relative had been diagnosed with adhd after a long while of being helplessly treated for depression. he's someone i look up to, really, he's always kind of had my back and he's into a lot of the same stuff as i am. and when i was finally kind of snapping i vented to him and he told me that yeah, he was in my boat too and my stuff looked a lot like adhd symptoms. that kind of gave me some hope that i wasnt just a lazy loser asshole. i then went to my homeroom teacher to ask him about it, maybe i could have it, maybe thats why im doing so awfully? he looked at me with this look in his eyes like i was telling him about some crazy made up condition. he just giggled and told me theres no way, told me i was just burnt out and referred me to the school therapist. so i called him and before i started really explaining my issues he just told me to apply to this free therapy thing, it felt kind of dismissive, but at least i had some resources. i applied for the thing and pretty soon i got to go to my first therapy session. and it was nice, you know, talking kind of unfiltered to someone that deals with this kind of shit but i never really spoke of anything serious. i dont know why. maybe i just convinced myself that i just am lazy. she told me about time management and stuff, and every time i just told her i was doing it and it was going good. but i never did any of it, i couldnt, but i also couldnt tell her that, i just lied, constantly, it just felt awful failing the person whos supposed to be helping me, idk. at some point i forgot my appointment, then another, and then i felt so embarrassed i just didnt come in again at all. a bunch of time passed of me just being depressed and then i got a job, which honestly stabilized stuff a bit since i kind of had to be doing stuff if i wanted to survive, maybe it was the pressure or the people in the office expecting something of me, i dont know. luckily my job is kind of lenient since i can mostly do whatever i want cause im a solo dev and nobody really knows what im doing (lets me slack off sometimes too, and being a bit late isnt a big deal whatsoever). but its still there. the feeling that i cant do shit with projects or anything really outside of work.

so two days ago i got the courage to finally ask my gp about it (probably should have done in the first place, years earlier, just didnt know it worked like that) after venting to multiple people. she said that yeah, its very likely its adhd and assured me i wasnt stupid or anything for looking into it (yes, i asked her if i was being dumb). so i got this referral for an adhd diagnosis now, which i guess is a good step, but so far every place i called that does it is fully booked until like august and some even until december. which also feels like a kick in the balls, but im not through with the list yet so ill keep calling. maybe ill find something earlier and finally find out what is wrong with me. whatever it is i think it will help, i could get actual proper help with it then.

anyways, my partner is flying here from the us for a week very soon and im very excited for that :) thats some good news at least